My j-noul

beautiful

2004-04-12T02:05:09Z

happy easter everyone!!!! i had a wonderful night last night, probably the best saturday evening in a long long time!!!!!!!! :0) so much excitement for life right now, i cant sit still. happiness pie!

beautiful

2004-04-07T20:06:56Z

its so beautiful outside. i did really bad on a really hard test today :( but life is good, and friends are even better.

raaage

2004-03-24T05:17:23Z

i dont think ive been this angry in a long time. im so angry at rachel for this wedding crap the more i think about it. a reception but one whole side of the family isnt invited, and worse you LIE to your grandparents!? you disrespect your mother by ignoring her at your own wedding and instead of her helping you with your dress and everything before hand everything you use ur dad's wife! you dont even talk to your family at the wedding and then play off them not being invited to the reception because "they just left so fast!" (when this secret reception was really planned months in advance). I mean, honestly, how dare she. I knew the girl was screwed up but i didn't know she could stoop this low. She treats her family like dirt but i know she expects them to come crawing on their hands and knees to see the baby when it comes, she even said that in so many words, to me. There are no words to describe how ashamed and disgusted i am by her. I really dont think she'll ever change.

things im less angry about: (written 3/4/04 but still applicable)

im angry. im angry at mom and dad for not making me into exactly what i want to be. im angry at my f'in scoliosis, for never playing sports, for having depression, for how i look. I'm angry cuz im missing all i "should" have. I'm angry at myself for being too damn hard on myself! I'm angry at mom for being neurotic and anxious, and I'm angry at dad for taking forever. I'm angry they moved me out even though i agreed and I'm angry that I'm angry about that. I'm angry that i get lonely and pathetic but i'm also angry when im with them again. I'm angry at mom-mom. I'm angry life is so short and I "miss out". I'm angry at my school and at decisions. I'm angry at people making me feel obligated and I'm angry I let them down.
I'm angry I cant stop thinking, planning and feeling so DAMN obligated to do certain things, or else ill feel guilty and unaccomplished. I'm angry at relationships, at that guy...
I'm angry at God for not being MORE SPECIFIC and LESS CONFUSING.
I'm angry at myself for not giving in, and for giving in.
I'm angry at this perverted world and at myself for not understanding
and at everyone else for not getting it!

but im not angry that i never loose hope.
"Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. we are no longer SLAVES TO SIN" R 6:6

death can go ____ itself

she wants to mooooove

2004-03-23T22:41:42Z

er'body know my b-day is happnin' up in the recher this frizoday! psych, but seriously adrian's band who rock is playin the recher on friday so everyone should come! halfway broken!
and friday really is my b-day! :) yay

well well well

2004-03-22T21:59:39Z

well...my cousin got married today. rachel, my 18 year-old pregnent cousin. the wedding was so awkward and depressing for so many reasons. i just hope everything works out, and she reconciles with her family. you know, usually its the other way around, like the family disowns the girl who gets pregnant out of wedlock, not the girl disowning the family for no legitimate reason. poor everyone--God bless them all, for serious. were goin over to aunt beths w/food, in a way to "console" i supposse. while the other side of the fam is out celebrating. its hard cuz it should be so happy and a baby should be so happy, but theres something so depressing and wrong about all of this.
on a lighter note, ben afleck was so funny on regis this morning. so was regis, and of course darrell hammond. i need to get on studying sometime this break! asap! and presently my room needs cleanin'. yes, yes im temporarily breaking my tv fast--what can i say?! harry connick j is on oprah!!!!!!!!
HAWT

oh lord

2004-03-19T22:35:24Z

lead me not into TEMPTATION!!!!!!!

jellibein @ 2004-03-18T20:29:00

2004-03-19T01:32:49Z

well this week is almost over, but all my tests are done (for now). i was and am pretty bumbed about my anatomy test--i got a 74%, when i had walked out feeling good about it. it was a real blow to my pride, i was upset and didnt feel like studying for anything else. but then i had two more tests, today, which im glad are over, except that i have the other half of one the week after spring break. and 3 more th eweek after that--so spring break will deffinietly include some studying. which isnt bad, it will give me something to do. I duno, lately im like restless, if im not doing somthing then i freakin freak out i cant just relax. i think too much, too, i over plan everything. it makes me feel like a loser that i have this problem! like dont i have better things to do? apparently not. i think im feelin depressed but i dont understand why! this move has been such a big change and its hard to get used to this lonely feeling. at the same time, maybe im just more upset over that test than i thought. i really studied hard for that thing-HARD. and often. :( ahh i duno theres so many things going on right now, so much confusion. my head is literally in a thousand places all the time and won't sit still, what am i suppossed to do? but much of what is is controllable by me. so many things so figure out, so much never ending change. its daily.

jellibein @ 2004-03-17T15:43:00

2004-03-17T20:45:45Z

and ae 'appy st. patty's dae to yah, each and ery one!!!!

revelations--life can be a tredmill

2004-03-14T00:01:19Z

"you'll become hopelessly disillusioned at ur failure, or if you succeed, you'll become puffed-up w/self-righteous pride. nothing we do can add to our justification. our obedience can not earn forgiveness. our sorrows can not pay for our sins. our tears can not overcome them. No amount of self-inflicted punishment can make us right before God. Even our own death is not enough."
there is only one solution

tonight

2004-03-13T09:44:09Z

UHG i dont think ive ever been this FULL! tonight was fun though, i danced on stage alot :0! and w/chris whats his name-the hugely tall and overly skinny 33 year old who's awesome (but not really so im told). He's such a rock star. Rob was there, he had fun! which is good. we all went to Td after and i got SMASHED on milkshake and fries. I never got ahold of Jessica though :( and Adrien never came out, even though his plans fell through...I met Heather's nice friend adam and had fun though. saw some familiar faces, some awkward situations... but all in all it is a known fact more than ever that i can never be a party animal. its just too much to handle. How am i gonna be able to run w/mark tomarrow? i will look like a fool@! not someone who likes to run@! uhg... i worry too much and am dumb about dumb things.

forever on the path of total self-improvement
(which i have yet to fully comprehend is a futile atempt for any human),
bean

take this joooooooob and shoveit!

2004-03-13T01:10:49Z

I am excited about britpop! and about life in general. wooooooooo! can't wait, gonna be grrrrrrrrrreat!

jellibein @ 2004-03-06T00:18:00

2004-03-06T05:38:56Z

I saw starsky and hutch tonight, non-stop laughing! Me and Adrian :) went to Ruby Tuesdays first and i saw Mark Hunt! wow, long time. good guy!!!!! missed him. But seriously, see that moovie! :) DOit. heheh. anyway, tomarrow is 80s mayhem! I'm psyched! havent seen the girls in so long! can't wait.
I'm so proud of my skillz--ran 4 miles monday, 3 wednesday (OUTSIDE!!) w/mike, and 3 pumped up miles this morning! I got up to 7.5 mph! i feel so good.

where ive been! :)

2004-03-05T03:15:53Z

must complete by.........2014...

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

must complete....ever....

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

jellibein @ 2004-03-03T00:36:00

2004-03-03T05:49:29Z

i just had the coolest night ever! i went to "college life" for the second time this semester and guess who i saw there!? MIKE CLASS! im sure no one i know now ever knew him but he's this guy i went to middle school with and haven't seen since. He also went to elementary school where my mom taught and knew her back in the day. I also "went out" with him on and off for months in seventh grade (which of course just consisted of making out in the stairwell between classes and holding hands every where else) It was always me and him "going out" or me and this kid Brandon Poole--back and forth with the two of them all seventh grade year--i never knew who i liked more. how bad does that sound?! I remember i drew the line when Mike said at lunch one day "dude, you just went out with her, its my turn!" geez.
well, we didnt discuss any of that tonight, thankfully. he told me in 11th grade he got in this horrible accident--he was surprized i didnt hear about it. His car flipped a few times and he had a fractured femur, broken ribs, a collapsed lung! and some other stuff. He said its amazing hes alive right now. It was so cool seeing him and how good he's doing. After college life, i ran into mark(whos like the only person i know there) and tons of ppl went back to the "palace"(where mark and like 8 other guys from college life live) this is a neat old house let me tell you. Any way i had a lot of fun there and met some really cool guys and gals. It was so crazy seein an old face again. The message was awesome tonight, too (as usual). twas a good time

do u ever feel like the next step you take will determine your life?

2004-03-03T01:45:19Z

what am i doing
im in a state of fog
im more real than ever before?
i feel like
the next step i take
will change my life, my future
,(the lives of more than me)
in one totally oppisite direction
than if i take another
single step to the right
its power
its pain, pleasure
anxiety and apathy
mixed
you can't measure
it may be happiness
it ain't joy

dude

2004-02-28T19:37:03Z

things have been too wild lately. I AM like having so much fun but it could spin outa control. im also scared about another issue thats fun but its like do i really want this fun and is this fun bad? on many levels is it bad? this week was insane w/school and its relief now but i cant party hard every week. Galit the sheet is the coolest and the best hostest with the mostest--her party was fun. then I finally got to hang a bit with adrian's buddies who are too cool, last night. heheh marty, their bass player--he's insane and offensive but its endearing. we might hang w/him and his gf tonight. also last night before adrian's MANDIE :) came down from PA w/her girlfriends and we went to padonia station and had an evil waitress! ive never NOT TIPPED before. SKILL (?!) i can believe her one friend is mah-ried! i brought them to the party but they left shortly after. i heart mandie. Oh SO much relief that this week is over. me and Natan rocked it in small group dynamics, for what its worth. Chava Nagila! everybody said we did good, im just so glad its done! oh man there is fear that comes with freedom. im a maniac. 3 nights in one week of not coming "home"--and its legal. am i becomming evil? always. i know no one understands. i miss GNO--i WILL see them soon. dude also, im suppossed to hang w/adamwalker (run intended)tonight yet that is like saying im suppossed to not spend money. it wants to happen but it just doesnt. the boi is inevitably and eternally confusing, to me. aunt jean, steve and jada and sadie are stayin with US in the apartment. they came all the way from Arizona for mom-mom's SURPRIZE b-day party. its gonna be HUGE-75! yay fun. now for round 2 (got just 2 tests this time around).

good day

2004-02-18T04:26:23Z

each day keeps getting better. how corny is that? as much as is going on, its like, balance like never before. granted, its only been like three days of this extreme goodness, but who knows maybe it is mucho permanento. i feel so bad heather didnt know these el salto friends and she wanted me to go with her! instead i was a jerk watching american idol w/the fam and the phone in the car. i miss the girls i feel like i havent seen them in forever. I took a nap today (first time in totally forever) and now i have too MUCH energy! I gosta get up at 6:30 though so i can get Adrian by 7:30. we are crazy, and its good. the day goes so much better. i wonder if i can keep this up. note to self: must study blood vessels hardcore in lab tomarrow, and anatomy lecture for THURSDAY super rough. i think things are really comin together but lets hope we're not being overly confident. im almost like damn that i dont have anything to rant about and get creative up in here.

good things good things

2004-02-16T01:08:42Z

School is getting wacky but I'm so glad I'm becomming closer w/everybody since we're all going through this together. I'm even collecting gym buddies--well so far just Adrian but there shall be more! Valentines day was crazy--never have i ever...seen towson commons that crowded! 50 first dates was better than i thought it would be. Worth the 6 at the commons, o yes. I have yet to get the lowdown on Urn's V-D...i am curious! anyway, i should really get to studying...=life.

jellibein @ 2004-02-05T19:50:00

2004-02-06T03:58:05Z

wow today was all turned around simply cuz i ran. I had so much energy, i coulda gone another half hour. i dont want that to define my life though. I am finally getting motivated about school though! It's great! It took 2 weeks but it happened. I'm still kinda overwhelmed though, scared about "what the future will bring" (future being the next cppl weeks/months). It really is exciting eveything that's happening--I gotta stop not realizing that and getting depressed if something exciting doesnt happen for 5 seconds.

to put it lightly

2004-02-05T03:25:19Z

I got the journal back, am i a dork? Tonight it is really just a diversion from studying. How much do u disclose of yourself in these things? It is so much more freeing to write in something you know other people may read than in a little notebook you somehow think is more than just you. At the same time, it's unbelievably restrictive. But i love this laptop's key pad.
Writing in a journal makes me feel so self-involved. I do it anyway. I feel more lonely now than i can remember, but more independent, too--which is a good feeling. This apartment just seems so dead. It's like a little cave i come into just to sleep, eat, and...live. Maybe that's it, that I'm here too much. I duno--i guess it's just such a change from the CRAZINESS im used to at home. Two extremes.

A break-up went smoother than i thought it would...but this change of life is hard. I feel like i have no one to turn to but myself sometimes...and that's scary as hell.

Less serious things are really confusing and frustrating right now. But its like, what can u do? I can't be that girl. Am i really that confident or is it pride? Why can't we just be straight up without ruining "possibilities"?